Regular work day...

I know I shouldn't see motherhood as a regular job like the ones I had before I became a mom. The last "real" job I had was working as a secretary while I was in college. I was an assistant to the secretary in the college of Food Sciences. I hated this job. It felt like a job the secretary made up so she wouldn't have to do any work. Really, all she did all day was try to figure out the new budgeting program, which I could've showed her how to work in about five minutes. Still, it kept her busy, which meant she couldn't boss me around as much. What I did was type-- yes on a typewriter-- new labels for ALL the files in the whole office. It took a really long time. I did other things too, mostly organizational things and run errands. One time my boss mailed out letters to the wrong people and she blamed it on me. That was the day I realized my job was to take the blame for all the mistakes my boss made.
I LOVE my job now. I really do. Still, there are days that I catch myself clock watching. As if my job were going to end and I was going to be able to leave. As if. No, I watch the clock for the time when my husband gets home. Pathetic? Maybe.
It's not like my responsibilities end when he walks in the door, but there is the hope that they will be lightened a little. Maybe he'll take the kids outside to play while I get dinner ready, so they aren't pulling on my legs wanting my attention.

Yes, I try to get them to make dinner with me. Cory loves to, but Kevin would rather me hold him while I do everything. Ouch.
Even now Kevin is pulling on my arm hindering my typing.

So often my husband gets home and plops down and says, "Can I just sit for a minute?"
"Sure," I reply feeling a little guilty that he has had a long, hard day and here I am asking him to distract the kids while I get his dinner ready. Then I think, "Wait! Can't I just sit for a minute?!" I start to get a little resentful. Is that horrible of me? I don't think so. I think it's natural to feel that way, but I try not to let the resentment fester, so I either yell at him or let it go. :)
So, husbands, not that any are reading this, maybe let your wife "hang around the water cooler" a little longer this Mother's Day.

The Guilt Trip...

As my husband is racing out the door to take his motorcycle to the track, I say, "Gee, I wish I could just take off anytime I wanted to and do something fun."
He stops in his tracks.
"Honey, you get to..." he trails off.
I wanted to say,"When do I get to? Seriously, name a time?"
Instead I say, "You go and have fun, but don't complain to me if I want to just take off sometime."
"That's not fair. I let you go out."
LET ME?!! He's just digging himself into a hole now. I thought parenthood was about teamwork, right?
I'm not really trying to make him feel guilty, I just want him to understand.
How often do I get to just stop at the gas station on a whim and go inside and get myself the super-sized Diet Coke that I am craving without having to unbuckle two young kids and take them kicking and screaming inside because Social Services will take them away from me if I don't. Then I'd have to buy candy and drinks for them because it's not fair that mommy gets a drink and they don't. Then a buck turns into five dollars! I can't afford it! I have the same problem at a drive-thru. I can't win.
Yeah, I've given this a lot of thought.
Being a mom comes with a little cage that you get locked in to with little cell mates that are totally dependant on you. So many times I need to just run somewhere and do something but I put it off because I can't muster up the energy to find two extra pairs of shoes, wrestle with surprisingly strong little legs to put the shoes on, change two diapers, remember to pack two more in my bag, etc. Just to unload them from the car and wrestle with them while I do one quick little errand that turns into a hair-pulling mess.
So, yes, sometimes I feel trapped. My cell mates are delightful for the most part, and I enjoy my little cage (I wouldn't have it any other way), but the lack of freedom tends to get to me. I don't even get to use the bathroom in private!
Thus, I sigh, "I wish I could take off any time I want to and do something fun."

Surviving Marriage... literally

I almost lost my husband yesterday. Actually, I did lose him. He knew right where he was, but nobody else did. What was supposed to be a fun day snowmobiling turned dangerous. He was able to call me and tell me he was okay, but his father, who was up on the mountain with him, didn't know where he was.
I could dedicate this post to how stupid men are. That they don't take necessary precautions, they think it's wimpy to be prepared, etc., but I won't.
I knew my husband could take care of himself. He has been trained in wilderness survival, he was in the army, and he's a doctor. I knew he could take care of himself. I was just hoping he would be out of there before dark.
He got out, he was safe, but we did have to call search and rescue to find his dad. They found him, and he was fine.
This whole experience sent me reeling! Seriously, I tend to worry myself into a frenzy, and I panic, and basically have an anxiety attack. Not good traits in the wife of an adventurer, which is what my husband is. Also not good traits in a mother of two boys who are destined to be just like their father.
My mother-in-law was cool the whole time. She wasn't worried until it got dark and we had to call search and rescue. Then she sort of got some worry lines in her forehead. She was mostly mad.
So, I had about six hours to think about what horrible things could happen to my husband and what I would do without him. I'd probably shrivel up into a ball and die. Basically. It made me wonder if I was too dependent on him. Is that a bad thing to depend on someone so much that I don't think I could survive without him? I would have to for the sake of my children, but I think I'd really need my mommy.

Going a little bit Psycho...

When that unfortunate time of the month comes around, watch out! I get hungry, bloated, paranoid, and mean! I literally can't stop eating because if I do, I get a headache, and if I get a headache, I'm even more irritable! My poor husband puts up with it, but he gets tired of me snapping at him. Like today, I'm so bloated everything I eat makes me run to the bathroom. So, I have one of my emergencies, and I don't have time to lock the door (TMI, I know). I'm in the bathroom and I hear the doorknob turning, and I yell, "DON'T YOU DARE COME IN HERE!!" In my meanest voice. Matt yells back, "You don't have to be so mean about it." OH yes I DO! Seriously, if it's not Kevin crying at the door, it's Cory banging on the door, or it's Matt asking me what I'm doing. I can't get two minutes to myself!?! No.
So, I have to go a little bit crazy in order for my husband to realize that I need some time alone. That all the screaming rings in my head until I'm ready to lose it. I have to make him fear for his life and the lives of our children before I get some alone time. I have the crazy look down. Seriously. I can't use it very often or he might catch on, but when I do use it, I finally get a few minutes in the bathroom to myself.

My Marriage: The Quest for Understanding

I don't understand my husband, and he doesn't understand me. My husband is 41/2 years older than I am and many more years more mature. In fact, his first impression of me was that I was really immature. I guess that's why it took him 3 years before he asked me out. I needed to grow up a little.
Matt is the perfect man. In fact, if he didn't have me weighing him down, he'd be whisked up into heaven. He's GORGEOUS, smart, HANDSOME, funny, SEXY, responsible, FIT, honest, and just plain better than the person I thought I was marrying. I had no idea what I was getting into when I married him. I knew he was awesome, but seriously, I had no idea.
So, what's the problem? There really isn't one except that we are two different people trying to share a life together. That's no different than any other marriage, I guess. As much as I know my husband, he still eludes me. Like:

How can someone who took orders from an ugly army officer for 6 years, not understand why his fairly good-looking wife is upset that he didn't put a diaper in the diaper bag like she asked him to?

How can someone who woke up at the slightest sound while patrolling in Iraq sleep through a screaming baby?

How can someone who has been through nearly four years of medical school not understand PMS?

How can someone who has worked 15-hour days not understand how tired I am at being a mom 24/7?

Still my husband is perfect.
He admits that these are things he needs to work on, and he tries. I'm just impatient that he doesn't do it already!
The big issue now is getting used to each other. My husband has been gone for most of the year doing externships for med school. I have missed him so much, and I have waited so long for him to come home, that now he's here, I don't know what to do with him. Do you ever feel like your spouse is in the way? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him home, but it's hard to get used to having someone around that has been gone for so long.
When he got back, the first thing he did was rearrange the bedroom to his liking. He has every right to do that, but now I can't find anything! So, I spend the whole day frustrated with him, wondering where my stuff is, texting him for the answer, and getting more frustrated that he can't text me back because he's in surgery! How dare he work hard every day for a secure future for his family, right? No, that is so not what I'm saying.
Isn't it true that we blame our spouses too much? That we take things out on them because we know we can? It's wrong, but it's in our nature. This is one reason why I'm doing this blog. So I have a place to vent besides my husband's face. Still, if I am going to have something in my way, I'm glad it's so pleasant to look at.