Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Thoughtful Husband...

cleaned the oven for me after I spilled something in it and the smoke detectors went off and I burst into tears. In the process of cleaning it, he broke the igniter. My husband eventually fixed it.

Knowing I had a hard day, my husband told me he wanted to spend some time with me. I spent two hours watching him download things onto his XBox.

It's the thought that counts, right?

Actually, my husband is amazing. I have so many friends and family members who are having marital problems right now. Sadly, it's the husband's fault in every case. I'm not being biased, it really is! This has really caused me to ponder my own feelings for my husband. I am so blessed to have him. He loves me despite... me!

I know you can't blame marital problems on just one thing, but is it coincidence that most of these friends only knew their jerk of a husband for a short period before they were engaged?

Listen, I knew my husband for four years before we were engaged, and now that we've been married for five years, I still feel like I hardly know him, so maybe that isn't the reason, but maybe it really is.

We scoff at people who say they "knew" he/she was the "one" when they first set eyes on each other. Okay, I believe that can be true, I do, but I still think you should take the time to get to know the "one" before you marry the "one".

The first time I met my husband, I knew he wasn't the "one". He was way too cocky. It took four years for me to find out that he is actually the most humble person on the planet. His cockiness was actually self-confidence and his way of trying to better himself. He still thinks every one else is better than he is when in reality, no one holds a candle to him.

I digress...

Where do husbands get off thinking they can tell their wives who she can talk to? Where she can go? What she can watch on TV? What she can wear?

These abusive traits come on gradually. If you only know the guy for a few months before you marry him, then by the time the red flags start showing up, you are stuck.

Ladies, the second your husband tells you you can't hang out with your friends or family, or when he manipulates the situation so you can't go. THAT is a BIG red flag.

The second your husband calls you a B*!ch, slut, or any other degrading name, kick him out of the house!

The second your husband threatens to take your kids away, you pack them up and stay with someone you trust.

The second you find yourself confiding in someone about how badly your husband makes you feel about yourself, it's time to get him to go to therapy with you.

Once, I threatened to leave my husband because he hung up on me. By the time he got home, I had my bags packed and I was looking online for a flight to my parents' house. He felt horrible and begged me to stay. He did not tell me I was being stupid. He did not threaten to take our child away. He did not threaten to cut me off without a cent. He begged me to forgive him, and all he did was hang up on me.

Why was I so hard on him? Why was I willing to leave my husband because of that one instance of disrespect? Because I had been in an abusive relationship before, and I was not going to let disrespect be "okay."

My abusive relationship started with him giving me guilt trips. He would get mad at me for not spending enough time with him. He would make me feel guilty for hanging out with my family and friends when he loved me more than they did. He started telling me what to wear, then he started insulting the people I loved most, and then he started calling me names. The last straw was when he told me I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore. I did finally get rid of him, but the damage was already done. It took a lot of therapy for me to feel worthwhile again, and, by golly, I was not going to let another person make me feel like that again!

I lucked out with my husband. The perfect man fell in love with me, and I didn't even have to trick him into it. I shudder to think how close I was to marrying the other guy. Boy, I dodged a BIG bullet! How come I got so lucky? Because I had a close friend who helped me through it.

Why are we so afraid to tell people when they are being abused? Why are we so afraid to step in and say, "Watch out for that one, he/she is showing signs of an abusive person." Is it because we think it's none of our business? After I dumped the stinker who was abusing me, so many people, who I thought liked him, told me they were so glad I got rid of him.
If you could see that he was treating me badly, why didn't you say something at the time? It would have saved me a lot of grief!
Stand up, people! Your friend may be mad at you. She may say you are interfering, meddling, that it's none of your business, but at least you can sleep at night knowing you tried. Maybe she'll step back and see what is going on. Maybe not.

It's nearly 1:00AM, and the fact that I wasn't a good enough friend to warn my friends about their husbands is literally keeping me up at night.

I'm gonna go give my hubby a hug.