How Does 10:00PM Come So Quickly?

By the time I get my kids in bed, it's nearly 8:30PM. Very rarely are they both actually asleep by 9:00. Then I have about an hour before my goal bedtime, 10:00. One hour of quiet. Just one hour. I have so much to do! I have to clean up after the two hurricanes that went through my house during the day. I have to make sure the dishwasher is running, change my clothes, brush my teeth, wash my face, go to the bathroom, check my email, say my prayers, read my scriptures, find my glasses, find my book, straighten up my room, go back upstairs and get a glass of water, climb into bed, go back upstairs and take my vitamins, get back into bed, get out of bed to say prayers with my husband, get back into bed, go back upstairs and make sure all the doors are locked, get back into bed, go check on the boys, get back into bed, set my alarm clock, get out of bed and set out my running clothes for the morning, go back upstairs and get my iPOD off the charger and set it with my running clothes, get back into bed...oh, it's midnight. I'll just read one chapter of my book...

The Guilt Trip...

As my husband is racing out the door to take his motorcycle to the track, I say, "Gee, I wish I could just take off anytime I wanted to and do something fun."
He stops in his tracks.
"Honey, you get to..." he trails off.
I wanted to say,"When do I get to? Seriously, name a time?"
Instead I say, "You go and have fun, but don't complain to me if I want to just take off sometime."
"That's not fair. I let you go out."
LET ME?!! He's just digging himself into a hole now. I thought parenthood was about teamwork, right?
I'm not really trying to make him feel guilty, I just want him to understand.
How often do I get to just stop at the gas station on a whim and go inside and get myself the super-sized Diet Coke that I am craving without having to unbuckle two young kids and take them kicking and screaming inside because Social Services will take them away from me if I don't. Then I'd have to buy candy and drinks for them because it's not fair that mommy gets a drink and they don't. Then a buck turns into five dollars! I can't afford it! I have the same problem at a drive-thru. I can't win.
Yeah, I've given this a lot of thought.
Being a mom comes with a little cage that you get locked in to with little cell mates that are totally dependant on you. So many times I need to just run somewhere and do something but I put it off because I can't muster up the energy to find two extra pairs of shoes, wrestle with surprisingly strong little legs to put the shoes on, change two diapers, remember to pack two more in my bag, etc. Just to unload them from the car and wrestle with them while I do one quick little errand that turns into a hair-pulling mess.
So, yes, sometimes I feel trapped. My cell mates are delightful for the most part, and I enjoy my little cage (I wouldn't have it any other way), but the lack of freedom tends to get to me. I don't even get to use the bathroom in private!
Thus, I sigh, "I wish I could take off any time I want to and do something fun."

Sick Momma

I am ashamed to admit that it is a gorgeous day today, but my kids have been in front of the tube playing, destroying, tormenting, and all but burning the house down while I have been pathetically trying to catch up on some housework I have fallen behind on. I have tackled the mountain of laundry I haven't touched in (gasp) over a week. The pile was eminating a certain something of an odor so foul I couldn't stand be in my room. As much as I wanted to curl up in my bed amongst all the filth and just pretend the world didn't exist today, being the mother that I am, I had to get up.
Who suffers when Mom is sick? Everyone. Nothing gets done. No one gets fed. My kids weren't dressed until noon. They didn't have lunch until 2:00PM. As I am trying to do the laundry and keep them out of trouble, my desire to flop on my bed and sleep grows and grows.
I can suck it up, but I have been trying to fight this sickness for the past few days. I thought I had it beat, but I had to surrender today.
What is a mom to do with her kids when she feels too miserable to do anything? Is it normal to feel guilty for being so sick? The guilt is beating me down more than the illness. I should be patient and smiley and play with my boys no matter how miserable I'm feeling, right? Sorry, I'm rebelling today.

Surviving Marriage... literally

I almost lost my husband yesterday. Actually, I did lose him. He knew right where he was, but nobody else did. What was supposed to be a fun day snowmobiling turned dangerous. He was able to call me and tell me he was okay, but his father, who was up on the mountain with him, didn't know where he was.
I could dedicate this post to how stupid men are. That they don't take necessary precautions, they think it's wimpy to be prepared, etc., but I won't.
I knew my husband could take care of himself. He has been trained in wilderness survival, he was in the army, and he's a doctor. I knew he could take care of himself. I was just hoping he would be out of there before dark.
He got out, he was safe, but we did have to call search and rescue to find his dad. They found him, and he was fine.
This whole experience sent me reeling! Seriously, I tend to worry myself into a frenzy, and I panic, and basically have an anxiety attack. Not good traits in the wife of an adventurer, which is what my husband is. Also not good traits in a mother of two boys who are destined to be just like their father.
My mother-in-law was cool the whole time. She wasn't worried until it got dark and we had to call search and rescue. Then she sort of got some worry lines in her forehead. She was mostly mad.
So, I had about six hours to think about what horrible things could happen to my husband and what I would do without him. I'd probably shrivel up into a ball and die. Basically. It made me wonder if I was too dependent on him. Is that a bad thing to depend on someone so much that I don't think I could survive without him? I would have to for the sake of my children, but I think I'd really need my mommy.

Vaccinations and Autism

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This is such a sensitive and controversial topic, but it's the one I get asked about every time I tell someone that my son has autism. "Do you think that his vaccinations caused it?"

First of all, I have not found any scientific evidence that proves that vaccines can trigger autism. My husband is a med student with access to all the findings (i.e. medical journals, studies, etc.) on autism, and he has not found any evidence anywhere that suggests vaccines can cause it. I'm not saying they can't, but I am saying WE have not found any proof. If anyone out there reading this has any from a reliable source (not Jenny McCarthy), feel free to send it to me.

Second, I did hear that a certain preservative in some vaccinations may have been a trigger. That preservative has since been removed from vaccines, and still there has been no change in the rate of diagnoses. This preservative has caused panic among parents and they have taken their kids off of all preservatives and gone completely organic. If that works for you, great. I, personally, have a hard enough time getting my child to eat let alone force all natural foods that taste like wood down his throat.

Third, it is my belief that certain babies are not ready to be given four vaccinations at a time. To me, this seems like a shock to their little immune systems. When people ask me my opinion of whether or not to get their children vaccinated, I say, "YES, but your baby doesn't have to get them all at once." I think parents should be careful. If the birth went well, and the baby is healthy and strong, he could probably handle the four shots at once. However, if the baby is premature or underweight or had a traumatic/complicated birth, maybe they should spread out the vaccines.

Fourth, I do not believe in drug company conspiracies. I DO NOT believe that vaccines are a ploy from drug companies to make money. They make our society safe, they keep our children alive, and they keep disease from spreading.

Fifth, I believe vaccines are a gift from God.

Sixth, I know with all my being that vaccinations did not trigger MY son's autism.

Scheduling...

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How is my new schedule going? Not well. I crave the structure of a schedule, and it's just not happening. Currently, we are living with my parents while in transition to a new home. Keeping things structured around here is nearly impossible. My husband has such a random work schedule, and my dad doesn't get home from work at the same time every day, and my little sister is in college, so she's very unpredictable. Growing up we never went to bed at the same time every night and we never woke up at the same time in the morning. I know this drove my mom crazy and she tried to set rules for us that we just rolled our eyes at. There were five of us, so that was five different schedules she had to work with. Not easy. I only have two kids, and they are very close in age, so it shouldn't be too difficult to put them on a schedule. It shouldn't, but it is. Boo.
When we lived in our own place, I had the day set up in a series of routines. In his more serious stages of autism, Cory thrived on predictability. Anything out of the ordinary threw him into a funk that usually resulted in uncontrollable tantrums. We had to keep everything familiar and structured. I was terrified whenever we had to try something new. As Cory started to improve, we were able to be more flexible, but for a couple months there, we didn't really go anywhere. I was too afraid of how Cory would react and how people would react to him.
We had a morning routine, wake up, breakfast, watch Sesame Street (this was the only TV he was allowed all day) while I got ready for the day, then he would get dressed, and we would play or go somewhere until our lunch routine. We had an afternoon routine, dinner routine, and a bedtime routine. I had a chart with pictures that would show him what we were doing "NOW" and "THEN". He didn't really care about the chart once we got the routine down. We still have these routines, but they are more sporadic and unpredictable which is why I want a schedule!
I feel that dinner is a very important time for structure. It is the best opportunity to meet together as a family. I would love to have dinner at the same time every day, but in this house, it's horribly difficult.
My kids are usually starving by 5:00PM. My dad doesn't get home until 6:30, and who knows when my husband will grace us with his presence. Stupid sick people coming in at the end of the day... stupids. Naw, I just wish my husband had a little consistency in his schedule.
Anyway, dinner at our house usually goes from 5:00-7:30. I have to feed my kids around 5:00 or the world will end, but I want to eat with my husband, and he doesn't get home until late. Boo. No win.
Suggestions anyone?

Why do I try?

Right now I'm listening to the soundtrack of Twilight. Maybe it will inspire me to be a best selling author.

Not likely.

I promised my son I would take him to Chuck-E-Cheese if he pooped in the potty. After about two months of waking up to him asking me if we were going to Chuck-E-Cheese that day and still changing his poopy diapers, we finally got to go!

We were in Ikea looking at some lovely home furnishings when I notice my son being very quiet, eyes watering, and redfaced. I asked him if he was pooping and he said, "Mommy, look at something else."

I told him that if he held his poops inside his bum until we got to a bathroom, and he pooped in the potty, we would go to C-E-C for dinner. He said okay and grabbed his bum. So, we ran around the store until I found a restroom and he did it! I was so proud of him! After he told his daddy and his gramma on the phone, we made our way to C-E-C. I was already exhausted and had a headache, so I wasn't too excited to go, but I had to keep my promise. After a few hours of popping tokens into machines, I smelled something awful.

Cory pooped his pants.

Why do I even try?

What Really Works...

I have vented quite a bit on here already, so I guess I should write something positive! Matt and I have been trying a new discipline technique that Cory's teacher told us about. I get so sick of telling Cory to do things over and over with no results. I've tried bribes, I've tried threats, I've tried counting (i.e. If I get to ten, you're in trouble! ONE... TWO...), I've even tried--I'm ashamed to admit--spanking. Boo. I never thought I would be the mom who spanks, but I have resorted to it when Cory has put his own life or someone else's in danger. So, it's only been a handful of times, but that's a handful too many. I hate it. Never again!

The method is this:

First you ask your child to do something by saying "please". For example, "Please go get your shoes."

If there is no response or a negative response, say, " You NEED to go get your shoes."

Then if he refuses, you physically make him do it.

So, you would stand him up and walk him to his shoes and make him pick them up and take them back to where you were.

Kids hate this. They hate to be physically forced to do something. It's annoying to try to make them do it, but it works.

After three days of trying this, I haven't lost my temper at Cory, and I just have to ask him to do something once. I love it! Give it a try. Tell me if it works for your kid!

Going a little bit Psycho...

When that unfortunate time of the month comes around, watch out! I get hungry, bloated, paranoid, and mean! I literally can't stop eating because if I do, I get a headache, and if I get a headache, I'm even more irritable! My poor husband puts up with it, but he gets tired of me snapping at him. Like today, I'm so bloated everything I eat makes me run to the bathroom. So, I have one of my emergencies, and I don't have time to lock the door (TMI, I know). I'm in the bathroom and I hear the doorknob turning, and I yell, "DON'T YOU DARE COME IN HERE!!" In my meanest voice. Matt yells back, "You don't have to be so mean about it." OH yes I DO! Seriously, if it's not Kevin crying at the door, it's Cory banging on the door, or it's Matt asking me what I'm doing. I can't get two minutes to myself!?! No.
So, I have to go a little bit crazy in order for my husband to realize that I need some time alone. That all the screaming rings in my head until I'm ready to lose it. I have to make him fear for his life and the lives of our children before I get some alone time. I have the crazy look down. Seriously. I can't use it very often or he might catch on, but when I do use it, I finally get a few minutes in the bathroom to myself.

Why IS it so HARD?!

In the spirit of a recent post by my friend Jennie, I ask the same question: why is it so hard to lose weight? I have been trying for months now to lose some poundage ever since I moved back home from med school. Once we were settled, and Cory was doing well in school, I figured it was time to take care of myself again. So, I enrolled in boot camp. After two sessions, I was down almost two pant sizes and in the best shape I've been in since having kids.
Well, my knees rebelled on me, and I had a hard time running anymore, and then the holidays came. Bleh. So, my New Year's resolution to get back on track hit, and so did Kevin's terrible twos. No longer wanting to go the child care at the gym, what was I to do? So, on to my parent's rickety old treadmill with a broken console and so loud you can't even hear your iPod through the head phones. Well, I've been doing it. Trying to diet as well, which is really hard living in my mom's house surrounded by all her yummy food. I've lost only 10 pounds since the new year, and that's only if I weigh myself first thing in the morning. Bleh. Three months and 10 pounds?! Not cool. My clothes still fit me which makes me so discouraged. All around me, my friends are shrinking. I have one friend who recently lost 115 pounds! She looks awesome! My sis-in-law just got the best time for a woman in the 5K she ran, and she looks amazing. I have several others who are sharing their weightloss triumphs with me. I'm so jealous. So, what's wrong with me? I'm hungry all the time, running/walking three miles a day and lifting weights killing myself like I did in bootcamp. My mom says that I've grown into my "womanly physic". Whatever. Please tell me I'm not doomed to look like this for the rest of my life?!!